When the bad days come...

No matter how many contradictions I struggles with, how difficult certain struggles become, no matter how lonely I get, no matter how many tears I cry, one truth remains firmly grounded in my heart; I want to be in the center of God's will; I want to do what I was created to do. 

In the past, I have always had the mindset that storms are about growing and learning to dance in the rain.  I am always writing, but do not post as much as I should. Sometimes I look at my social media pages and think I sound too emotional or share too much. I let doubt set in that no one cares or that they will think you are complaining or always down.  I mean I am an emotional rollercoaster.  A dead animal on the side of the rode makes me cry like a baby. A child’s hug can bring me the greatest joy and one comment from someone can send me into a rage. That is me though and I love me, every emotion and every moment because my God created me to be me and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I look back at what I have been through and I see so much growth in my life. All those “I will never get past this” moments, I survived. Not because I am strong, because God is strong and when I stopped fighting myself and let God take control everything worked out for the better. That is why I am an open book, that is why I share the most painful memories and hardest times. Not for sympathy, not to look strong, not for any other reason than bragging about how good God is. Like I always say, if just ONE person seeks God or feels comforted by this than my pain and suffering was worth it.

Lately I have to remind myself of this promise. For the past month I have been so cranky. Some days I do not even want to be around myself. I was not reading my bible as much and I pretty much spent more time complaining to God then thanking Him.  I wrestled with the whys.  I mean its God, He knows how it all plays out yet I still question Him? I began to fall into some old ways. Focusing more on things of this world, letting temptation and old sins back in and pushing God out. In doing so, I lost my peace. Funny how quickly we can slip back into old patterns then get frustrated when the SAME pain and problems come again.

So there I was, not walking in God presence, feeling cranky and fed up, thinking to myself…..When does it get better God!!!  First I lost a man I loved and thought I’d spend my life with, then I get pregnant and walk alone feeling ashamed and unwanted. I struggled as a single mother….finally felt strong and good about my life... then I get sick and battle depression….Okay handled that THEN YOU take my grandpa home, the man who loved and encouraged me, who made me feel not so lonely, who gave me meaning and taught me so much! THEN 6 months later my uncle, the only other man I had that told me he was proud of me, the man who picked me up off the floor and held me when they told me they lost my grandpa. WHY God! By this time the tears were flowing and my anger turned to a child like cry. It was probably two in the morning by now and I had given up on the idea of sleep. As I lay on the ground in pain, missing these men and the life I thought I would have, God reminded me of a few things.

  *remember how far away you were from Me when you were married? How you worshiped him and not Me? That made you pretty empty, did it not? No matter how much I knocked Rachel you never answered until he left and you lost everything. I pulled you out of that depression, I made you whole again.

 *remember how much you wanted better friends. Ones who didn’t party and sleep around, friends that lifted you up and pointed you towards Me. Friends who didn’t let you complain and who told you to pray instead, friends who held you and prayed. How many of those friends were from that single mom’s bible study? How many single moms have you touched and helped because you knew their pain? How many people came to know Me better and found hope because of you sharing and relating to them?

*I told you to slow down but you did not listen, I sent you dreams where you were laying in a hospital bed but you did not listen. I told you to trust Me and eventually you did. Now how many people can you relate to about health struggles? How many have reached out to you and asked for help or prayer? How many people have opened up about their anxiety because you are open about yours? How many times have you been able to share your story and bring Me glory? Better yet, you FINALLY humbled yourself and let others help you! How much did your friendships grow because of that?

* You kept your promise; you gave grandpa the best environment you could until he returned home. You blessed him and he blessed you, but it was his time. He was ready and no longer needed to endure the pains of this world. That season is over, You did good caring for him but now you need to focus on you.

        Pretty amazing how much God can say when you are still and listening. And He was right, every storm brought purpose, every painful season I endured and was better for it. SO even on our crappiest days, we can have hope and peace. It is okay to cry out to God, be honest (He knows everything anyways) You cannot hide from God; you might as well through a tantrum and get it all out. He will let you, and then He will sit you down and talk about how you can handle things better next time. Not sure if this is what I had planned to write out today, but I knew I wanted to share something. SO I hope this helps and encourages some of you who are struggling or frustrated with where you are.

Just remember that no one is perfect and there is no perfect way to serve God. We will make mistakes and we will sin.  Not sinning so much does not make you a mature Christian. The amount of time it takes you to take that sin to God and repent is where we find our maturity and strength. And like always, my ear and eyes are open for you all. If you ever need to talk or need prayer, I am here for you. I love to love others. I love to help, pray, and inspire.  There is absolutely no better compliment than hearing someone say, “You make me want to be closer to God” ß-----that is what it is all about.