A new heart

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

This verse could not be truer. God gives you a new heart. 

I surrendered my life to God in junior high. I boldly stood up, invited Jesus to live in me and lead me for the rest of my life. Who I became in Him was a beautiful outgoing and sometimes-loud young woman. I had a huge heart for others and could see the positive in any situation and person. While others worried about boys and parties in high school, I ran with a different crew. We spent our time at church functions and Christian concerts. We got together for bible study and prayers. It was a great high school experience filled with joy and good times. 

Somewhere towards the end of high school, I began to follow my own will and not God's. Over the next 3yrs, I drifted away from God. My heart became empty and that outgoing loving woman turned into a lonely and mean person. When I finally stopped running from God and surrender my life to him, I once again grew this uncontrollable heart for others. When I was not walking in His presence, I was pretty mean and judgmental of people. I had a man at a bar once say I think you are so beautiful but you do not look approachable. At the time I laughed and said you're right and later on I laughed again because it was funny how without God I became completely opposite of who I was. Giving my life to God at a young age I did not know another me. In those 3 years of living for me and not God, I was so different. 

Every day is a new day. God has forever changed my life; my relationship with Him is personal and real. I talk to God just like I do my best friends. I mean He knows everything anyways! So it becomes easy to say, "Ya, I totally messed up today" and then move forward.  It is hard to even describe how real God feels to me and how much He has changed my heart. I am more passionate than ever (which also means more emotional) I get worked up easily and I shed a few tears every day. Most days it is something I see on facebook or a message from a friend going through a hard time. 

I feel compelled to help everyone around me. My heart is so open to others that I become sensitive to how those around me feel. I know this is Jesus living in me and I want to be able to see the hurt and needs in others. The best part about this new heart of mine is that others see it. They feel drawn to me now and I cannot tell you how many people tell me their stories, SERIOUSLY, I have the best stories to share and they are not even mine. I will have to blog about that later! I will have lunch with a friend I haven't seen in years and 2 hours later they tell me I can't believe I just shared all that, no one knows any of that. Even complete strangers stop and tell me things. I have heard stories at the dr's office, grocery stores, and parks. Just about everywhere. AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT! Anytime you want to grab a coffee and get things off your chest or share your story I am your girl. 

I share this part of my life to give God glory and shine a light on who He truly is. You do not have to be perfect to serve God. God wants the good, the bad, and the ugly. He will take you just as you are right now! I did not change myself; I am not who I am because of anything I did. God’s love and spirit living in me has changed me. I did not have to follow a set of rules or wait until I was “perfect” and stopped all my bad habits. Shoot, I still have a few bad habits. God wants nothing more than to have a relationship with us. We do not earn His love; it is freely given to us. All we need to do is say God please take over.  Forgive me for my sins and send Jesus to live in my heart.  Then spend time with God more and more. The new heart will come. You will naturally want to pray more. You will feel compelled to give up old habits and replace them with new passions. You will long to be in worship and read Gods word. None of it is forced, none demanded.  All you have to do is call out to God.

I hope this all makes sense. It is 2am by now and I have bad grammar as it is. My hope is that those of you reading this want to seek God more and feel more comfortable being open and honest about your walk with God. And as always, my eyes and ears are always open to all of you. Getting feedback or prayer requests inspire me to keep posting and share my story, even the not so good stuff. 

When the bad days come...

No matter how many contradictions I struggles with, how difficult certain struggles become, no matter how lonely I get, no matter how many tears I cry, one truth remains firmly grounded in my heart; I want to be in the center of God's will; I want to do what I was created to do. 

In the past, I have always had the mindset that storms are about growing and learning to dance in the rain.  I am always writing, but do not post as much as I should. Sometimes I look at my social media pages and think I sound too emotional or share too much. I let doubt set in that no one cares or that they will think you are complaining or always down.  I mean I am an emotional rollercoaster.  A dead animal on the side of the rode makes me cry like a baby. A child’s hug can bring me the greatest joy and one comment from someone can send me into a rage. That is me though and I love me, every emotion and every moment because my God created me to be me and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I look back at what I have been through and I see so much growth in my life. All those “I will never get past this” moments, I survived. Not because I am strong, because God is strong and when I stopped fighting myself and let God take control everything worked out for the better. That is why I am an open book, that is why I share the most painful memories and hardest times. Not for sympathy, not to look strong, not for any other reason than bragging about how good God is. Like I always say, if just ONE person seeks God or feels comforted by this than my pain and suffering was worth it.

Lately I have to remind myself of this promise. For the past month I have been so cranky. Some days I do not even want to be around myself. I was not reading my bible as much and I pretty much spent more time complaining to God then thanking Him.  I wrestled with the whys.  I mean its God, He knows how it all plays out yet I still question Him? I began to fall into some old ways. Focusing more on things of this world, letting temptation and old sins back in and pushing God out. In doing so, I lost my peace. Funny how quickly we can slip back into old patterns then get frustrated when the SAME pain and problems come again.

So there I was, not walking in God presence, feeling cranky and fed up, thinking to myself…..When does it get better God!!!  First I lost a man I loved and thought I’d spend my life with, then I get pregnant and walk alone feeling ashamed and unwanted. I struggled as a single mother….finally felt strong and good about my life... then I get sick and battle depression….Okay handled that THEN YOU take my grandpa home, the man who loved and encouraged me, who made me feel not so lonely, who gave me meaning and taught me so much! THEN 6 months later my uncle, the only other man I had that told me he was proud of me, the man who picked me up off the floor and held me when they told me they lost my grandpa. WHY God! By this time the tears were flowing and my anger turned to a child like cry. It was probably two in the morning by now and I had given up on the idea of sleep. As I lay on the ground in pain, missing these men and the life I thought I would have, God reminded me of a few things.

  *remember how far away you were from Me when you were married? How you worshiped him and not Me? That made you pretty empty, did it not? No matter how much I knocked Rachel you never answered until he left and you lost everything. I pulled you out of that depression, I made you whole again.

 *remember how much you wanted better friends. Ones who didn’t party and sleep around, friends that lifted you up and pointed you towards Me. Friends who didn’t let you complain and who told you to pray instead, friends who held you and prayed. How many of those friends were from that single mom’s bible study? How many single moms have you touched and helped because you knew their pain? How many people came to know Me better and found hope because of you sharing and relating to them?

*I told you to slow down but you did not listen, I sent you dreams where you were laying in a hospital bed but you did not listen. I told you to trust Me and eventually you did. Now how many people can you relate to about health struggles? How many have reached out to you and asked for help or prayer? How many people have opened up about their anxiety because you are open about yours? How many times have you been able to share your story and bring Me glory? Better yet, you FINALLY humbled yourself and let others help you! How much did your friendships grow because of that?

* You kept your promise; you gave grandpa the best environment you could until he returned home. You blessed him and he blessed you, but it was his time. He was ready and no longer needed to endure the pains of this world. That season is over, You did good caring for him but now you need to focus on you.

        Pretty amazing how much God can say when you are still and listening. And He was right, every storm brought purpose, every painful season I endured and was better for it. SO even on our crappiest days, we can have hope and peace. It is okay to cry out to God, be honest (He knows everything anyways) You cannot hide from God; you might as well through a tantrum and get it all out. He will let you, and then He will sit you down and talk about how you can handle things better next time. Not sure if this is what I had planned to write out today, but I knew I wanted to share something. SO I hope this helps and encourages some of you who are struggling or frustrated with where you are.

Just remember that no one is perfect and there is no perfect way to serve God. We will make mistakes and we will sin.  Not sinning so much does not make you a mature Christian. The amount of time it takes you to take that sin to God and repent is where we find our maturity and strength. And like always, my ear and eyes are open for you all. If you ever need to talk or need prayer, I am here for you. I love to love others. I love to help, pray, and inspire.  There is absolutely no better compliment than hearing someone say, “You make me want to be closer to God” ß-----that is what it is all about. 

All in God's timing.

It is crazy to come to my blog and see a post from 2yrs ago.  It was the begin of healing for me. I had seen my holistic doctor and I was slowly picking my life back up. For those of you who weren't reading my blog the first time around (it was deleted) let me go back.

In the fall of 2012 I thought I had a stomach virus, then possibly vertigo, and then I couldnt even get out of bed. It was a crazy mess for months, I just kept getting worse with no answers from the doctors. They ran more test that I want to remember and told me random things they found but no real answers. I had inflammation, I had a swollen thyroid (but my TH levels were normal) I had hormonal imbalance, on and on. I was frustrated , miserable, and started to lose hope. They found swelling in pituitary so they said it was MS, but then a second scan showed the the same results so that was cancelled out, then they said it was lupus but it just wasnt showing up yet, then it was crohns , and every other autoimmune disease that comes up on wedMD. Like my old post mentioned I was put on random medications that made no sense to me.

At my lowest point I couldnt even get out of bed. My GI specialist had put me on new medication and I had a bad reaction to it. He told me give it a couple days. Well after a couple days of throwing up, night sweats, and other things I remember looking in the mirror and being scared of my own reflection. My face was sucked in and white as a ghost. I dont remember if it was my brother or my mom but someone had to carry me into her house. I had little hope at that point. I was FULLY dependent on those around me. I could take baths and read to Stitch...that was it! That was all I could do as a mother and it killed me. When her dad would bring her home I tried not to cry, I was so ashamed and scared he would try and take her from me. I'll never forget the day I stood in my moms kitchen and told her I couldnt do it anymore, I wanted God to just take me home, I was useless. With her eyes filled with tears she told me Rachel YOU are the one who is always praying for everyone else, who is always telling use to give it to God, now you have to have that faith for yourself. I went to the bedroom and cried with anger. I YELLED AT GOD, yup I sure did and being the gentle loving God that He is, He just held me. I told him I NEEDED something, anything, give me hope because I have none. Two hours later I got a call from a girl I went to high school with. She said God keeps putting you on my heart. She shared her struggle with her illness and gave me a diet to try and keep food down. And then she gave me the number to the woman God would use to give me my life back!!

She was a chiropractor & holistic doctor. The first time I met with her I was there for 3hrs and I pretty much cried the entire time. She told me more about what was going on without my chart, without my test, and she explained each thing, each symptom, told me what to go home and research. I was such a mess in that office because for the first time in a LONG time I felt that hope I had been asking God for. She stopped and hugged me and PRAY with me and told me with the most confidence I have ever seen in a doctor, "give me a year and I'll have you better than ever" and she did. I stopped all medications, I stopped going to doctors, and I started feeling like me, not 100% physically but 200% emotionally and spiritually.

There is so much more to my story and God has really been encouraging to tell it. See I am SOO glad I got sick, yup thats right! I thank God for that storm in my life. I am who I am and I am where I am because of that season in my life. The God stories that came from going through that, the strength I got because of being "sick". Idk if the swelling in my brain is worse or better. Idk if ill ever be able to run a mile again, or even carry a baby again, but none of that matters. What matters to me is helping others in their storms and shining Gods light for others to see. And for God to always get all the glory and all the honor for it all. I am NOTHING without Him. I am mean, judgey, and bitter without HIS spirit living inside me. It is because of Him that I can be so transparent and open to y'all about my life. I really have nothing to hide. Some stories and struggles I wont share on here because it would involve bringing someone else's struggles to the table and thats for them to tell not me. But I do hope to share more of my journey, some of my devotionals, and just anything God puts on my heart. If  just 1 person finds peace and hope because of my blog then it is worth it.

10 years in One

It was around this time last year I began to notice something wasn't right. I woke up everyday feeling tired and off. I should of slowed down but I wouldn't listen to what my body was trying to tell me. I loved work so much and I had just started my last semester of school. Four classes left and then I wanted to head straight into the masters program. I had such BIG plans I was determined to accomplish. I wanted to build a great life for my daughter and I. By Christmas I couldn't even get out of bed in the mornings.  This has been the hardest/longest/most humbling season in my life. I still haven't gotten any real answers from doctors. (Other than your body isn't working right & heres some pills to try) I miss school, I miss work, but I know God has a plan here.  I was charged for the classes I couldn't even finish and now I cant go back until I pay that off. I know when the time is right God will provide a way for me. I have laid on the floor crying out to God more than ever before and He ALWAYS shows up. I may not be completely healed yet, but I can now take my daughter on a walk around the block. Yes, that's a big deal! I still struggle sometimes. I still get weak and light headed. I still feel like I have the body of an 80yr old woman BUT I fake it anyways. I dance in the rain and thank God for another day.

Right now I am focused on my home (which still isn't fully unpacked) & my family. Those should always be your number one ministry anyways. So to all my wonderful friends who have been praying for me and get confused when I respond to your messages a week later, thank you! I love you all so much and I am sorry I loose track on who's been updated. Its nice to know so many people love and care about me. I am truly blessed. I have missed so many birthdays, weddings, babyshowers, and more this year and that breaks my heart. God is moving in my life and I have to understand I cant be superwoman. I need to let God be God and rest as much as I can. I miss bike riding with my pops, I miss playing soccer...... I miss a lot of things. But being a woman after Gods own heart & a mother are my main focus.

So medically for you who need to know: I finally got to see my specialist at USC but he didn't have my file. NOT a single paper. So I had a nice lunch with my sister and came home.  He checked some things out & talked with me but is more of a "lets see the facts kind of doctor". For now,  I have stopped taking all the meds they have tried to give me except for progesterone and a strong birth control to balance things. And of course tons of natural vitamins to replace what my body is no longer producing (like iodine!) and tons of water. I am waiting for insurance to approve a second visit in which I will be taking my own file! In the meantime he did order more tests.  Not much has been done to help me, yet I feel SOO much better than I did this summer and I know that is ALL GOD. I cried out saying "I need to a hint of air here Lord, you gotta give me something!" And now I dont wake up nauseous and dizzy every morning :) Yup Ill take it, praise God.

Its important to remember: It's during the hardest seasons in our life that we grow the most.
Life isnt about surviving the storms... its about dancing in the rain.